My past relationships have had beautiful moments of course yet they also weren’t so fulfilling. I am finally at peace with every single one of them although it took a lot of work within myself to get there. I always leave every relationship with love and wish them the best because I did actually love them. I think when you really love and care for someone as a human it’s hard to wish them any ill will. I’ve been through some very hurtful relationships in my life but I never sought revenge. I never slandered their name. If anything I gave too much when people didn’t deserve it although they probably needed that support more than anything. So who am I to judge what they deserve. Even through these hurtful times I looked past my pain to help them through their times of need. I was this way from a very young age. Sometimes I think back shocked at how well I handled certain experiences with such poise and maturity. There were times I had to be an adult before I ever became one. One thing is for sure I don’t regret any of my decisions. I hope I helped them in some transformative way. I know that they taught me life lessons. Some that at the time I didn’t think I should ever have to go through but it was all for reason. Every experience is a teacher if you allow the lessons to unfold for you. I’m a better person because of these relationships. I’ve grown tremendously and I wouldn’t trade any of those people or times in my life.
I’d be lying if I said it was easy though I’ll tell you that. There were times I never even got closure. I just sat with it. I sat with the shitty feelings that came up. I sat with feelings of being unwanted, mistreated, used, taken advantage of, having questions upon questions swirling around in my head. Some days I felt so lost and confused. Some days I felt happy and relieved. Heartbreak is a rollercoaster ride. I’m very selective with who I choose to give myself to so relationships have always been what breaks me down the most. I invest my whole heart. I don’t just say things I mean them. When I was younger it was hard for me to comprehend how to handle it. I couldn’t understand that people didn’t love with pure hearts. I couldn’t understand why people would say things yet their actions wouldn’t align. I couldn’t understand the cold heartedness. I couldn’t understand lying and cheating. I couldn’t understand why people didn’t want to be ridiculously in love with one human. I know that hurt people hurt people and one thing I did understand is that I was being hurt.
My gut always gave me signs. I saw things before they happened. I felt things before they ever came to fruition. In the end everything I thought and more ended up being true. That was a tough pill to swallow because they weren’t very pretty things to deal with. Even though I had feelings about these things ahead of time it didn’t make it any easier when it became true. We think we can protect ourselves from heartbreak but in reality we can’t. It’s still going to sting and feel unbearable when it happens.
If you’re like me you are loyal. You are honest and upfront. You don’t come into relationships with a false identity trying to display this perfect person. Yes, we all have our best foot forward when we start dating but that best foot still needs to be true to yourself. Don’t just be someone you want to be for this person or are trying to be because it sounds better than you actually think you are. I don’t believe in being someone you aren’t because the true you always shows up in the end. If you don’t love yourself it’s going to be hard to love someone else. Although loving ourselves takes effort just like loving someone else. It’s a daily choice and practice. It’s natural to want to protect yourself when you’ve been broken but it’s important for our hearts to be open as well. You can be open yet still have boundaries. There will be a person that understands that guard and will know how to ease there way in because they truly care for you. My faith in my definition of true love is why I have a solid belief in never settling. I don’t mean set your expectations so high that they can’t be reached. I mean know how much your worth and don’t be with someone who doesn’t value you. You decide your value not the other person. This is with anything in life your career, friends, family etc..
It’s hard to understand why people hurt you. It’s hard to wrap your head around someone telling you they love you one day and then disappearing the next. We will never know the full details of a persons life or why they make the decisions they do. We won’t know the full extent of their trauma because we didn’t go through it with them and we can’t fix it that’s for sure. We can support them but we can’t be their savior. Even if they give you some explanation it might not be the full truth.
The truth is we might never get the truth and we have to find peace with that. We can lead others to doors for healing but they have to choose to walk through them. We all have to make those choices because the only person we can control is ourselves. We can also walk away from any behavior that doesn’t make us feel good. We decide what we will and won’t accept in our lives. We often forget this when we’re blinded by love or even lust. Yet It’s as simple and as complicated as we make it. If I’ve learned anything it’s that I’m in control and whatever I’m allowing is on me. I didn’t choose to be hurt but I can choose to make it stop. I can choose myself and know that I deserve better and that’s what I’ve always done. Some relationships took me longer than others but I always chose myself in the end. I know my worth and what I bring to the table. If someone doesn’t want me in their life it’s their loss not mine.
I hope that by sharing some of my personal insights it helps to heal someone else’s heart. I hope you know that you are not alone. I hope you know that one day you will understand why those people didn’t work out for you. Gods rejection is his protection and I firmly believed that even when I didn’t want to. Take it all one day at a time. Some days won’t feel so good while others will be absolutely joyous. Your heart is resilient. Acknowledge it. Be proud of it and carry it with gentle hands. Your heart will always lead you where you need to be. Another door will open for you and it will be the greatest door you’ve ever walked into because you believe it is.
Let LOVE in .... you deserve it and don’t let anyone tell you anything different. It EXISTS!
Love and Light to all 💫💚